ARTICLES
May 2004 ARTICLES
Contents © 2004
by Jim Holman.
All rights reserved.
Profound Confusion
Sexual Etiquette at Loyola-Marymount
BY CHRISTOPHER ZEHNDER
"In many ways, sexuality is like dancing. In some cultures you can dance with yourself. In some cultures you can dance with people of the same gender. In some cultures you cannot dance at all. In some cultures you can 'grind' and dance passionately. Each one has different guidelines and taboos. None of the guidelines are better or worse, as long as everyone involved is consenting to the dance."
So opens Sexual Etiquette 101 and More, a book which "contains stories, resources, ideas and other valuable tools to help you successfully navigate the often confusing world of relationships and sexuality." As the opening paragraph suggests, Sexual Etiquette is no compendium of Catholic teaching on sexuality. Since the book was not written by Catholics, this comes as no surprise. But what may be surprising to many is that this book has served as a sexual help manual at a Catholic school, Los Angeles' own Loyola-Marymount University.
The book and the university's use of it was brought to my attention by Loyola-Marymount philosophy professor, James Hanink. Hanink became a go-between for me and a student, whose girlfriend had given the book to him. She, a resident advisor (a student, sometimes a graduate student or a religious, who serves as a resource for students in the residence halls), had been given the book at a university orientation meeting by a representative of the university's health center. Orientations are held, usually in the summer, for resident advisers, and feature speakers on a variety of topics. The student's girlfriend had been a resident advisor for the fall term of this school year; and she was not the only one to receive Sexual Etiquette 101. All the resident advisors (which, according to Hanink's student, are, this year, all undergraduates) received a copy of the book.
One need not be an ethicist to see that Sexual Etiquette 101 pushes a philosophy of "sexuality" contrary to Christian teaching; but, the book does more than that. It gives, literally, hands-on advice on a number of topics, such as masturbation, contraception, and even abortion. Graphic sketches showing, for instance, how to use condoms complement the practical instructions.
As its title suggests, the book gives a series of points of "sexual etiquette." Among these is that "relationships should be consensual." This forbids, of course, rape, seduction through "alcohol or other drugs" and encourages "honoring people's right to change their minds or say 'no' at any time." But as long as that requirement is met, "as long as everyone's in agreement with the behaviors," the book encourages readers to "feel free to have fun and enjoy one another's company."
Or, enjoy nobody's company. In discussing masturbation, the book asks, "why do people have so many hang-ups when it comes to pleasuring ourselves?" "From a very early age many people are taught that touching themselves is bad, dirty, or wrong. These messages often contribute to feelings of guilt or shame when masturbating." But the good news is that "there are many positives about masturbation," one being that "it can help people know their bodies better, which may result in a more satisfying sex life individually and/or with a partner."
Masturbation, it seems, allows one to fantasize about any number of sexual encounters, even those that "sexual etiquette" forbids one to carry out. "Many people also fantasize while masturbating," the book observes. "An important concept to remember is that your mind and your fantasies are the ultimate turn-on. There are no bad fantasies. Just because you fantasize about something does not mean you will act it out or that you want it to happen."
Delicacy forbids going into the details the book gives on how to masturbate. But, in addition to practical advice in its own pages, the book references a number of websites for "more information on masturbation." One of these has the following statement: "This website is devoted to liberating masturbation, erotic sex education, and promoting sexual diversity. Many of my art forms have centered around celebrating orgasms alone, in partnersex, and beyond.... Join me for an honest, intelligent, and fun loving exchange of ideas and images about my favorite subject, SEX." Another, "dedicated to former U.S. Surgeon General Jocelyn Elders," calls itself the "ultimate male masturbation resource."
Sexual Etiquette 101 also gives advice on relationships -- what it calls "valuable insight into when to stay, when to go, or when it is worthwhile to put in some work, and what that work may involve." Relationships take "many forms" -- "sometimes individuals enjoy relationships with their same gender, with a different gender, or with both genders. There is no one 'best' type of relationship. It is not the label on the relationship that makes a relationship 'healthy' or 'moral'.... The bottom line on relationships is that they should be defined by the people involved in them. What is okay in one friendship may not be okay in another. What is acceptable in one marriage may not be acceptable in another."
A relationship featured by the book involves one Carlos, 26 years old, who tells how he and two "beautiful women," his friends, went to his place and "we all started hooking up." "Of course it was incredible in the physical sense," said Carlos, "but it was also wonderful emotionally ... [it] made us closer." What is "hooking up"? It has "many different meanings," says Sexual Etiquette 101. "To some people it means intercourse while to others it means kissing."
Sexual Etiquette 101 has a section, titled "Contraception and Safer Sex." There it warns that it uses the word "safer" instead of "safe" because "even though some approaches are highly effective, there is still a chance that the method might fail." The chapter then proceeds to lay out the various methods of contraception, including the "calendar method" and the "cervical mucus method," presumably Natural Family Planning. But it also talks of condoms, diaphragms, Norplant, interuterine devices, the pill, and other artificial forms of contraception.
The book also treats of "abstinence." "Abstaining from sexual intercourse is a wonderful decision for those who are not ready or do not want to engage in certain sexual behaviors for personal, moral, or religious reasons." But though "abstinence is the most effective method in preventing sexually transmitted infections or unplanned pregnancy," because it "involves human beings, there is a chance of this method failing." It turns out, however, that, according to Sexual Etiquette 101, abstinence means different things for different people. "Is kissing okay? Is mutual masturbation okay? Is grinding okay?" Who can say? It depends on peoples' "values."
And if contraception fails? There is emergency contraception. There is carrying the child to term. Or, there is abortion. The book explains the different types of abortion and gives contact information for abortion advocacy groups, such as the National Abortion Rights Action League. It also provides this testimony to abortion from Heather, 23 years old: "When I was 18 years old I had unprotected sex and got pregnant. The guy I as with was supportive, but we both knew we were too young to have a child. After much thought and discussion, I decided to have an abortion. It was the best decision I have ever made -- for both of us and our future children." Another testimony from Tim, age 21, relates that though he and his girlfriend were "extremely religious," they had "unprotected sex." "She got pregnant," writes Tim. "The question we had to face was 'do we have this child or not?' Being incredibly religious, this wasn't a question for me. But, she wanted to have an abortion and I supported her in her decision because I felt it was her body and she who would have to give birth and raise the child. She had the abortion and we haven't spoken since. Because my sister has a little boy I often think about what may have been."
Hanink said he heard soon after seeing Sexual Etiquette 101 that the university had decided to withdraw it. But the question remains -- why did the university use it in the first place? In a January 23 e-mail to Dr. Lane Bove, director of student affairs for Loyola-Marymount (the department that would have approved the book), Hanink asked this very question. He also noted that introducing the book in a resident advisors' orientation "demonstrates (a) a profound confusion about LMU's mission or (b) that the mission statement, as interpreted, has become nearly vacuous." Hanink pointed out that "there's no reason to think that another such book, a year or two from now, won't be used in yet another orientation session. Why not? Because the administration apparently lacks the will, perhaps even the competence, to honestly address such an issue."
In a February 2 e-mail reply to Hanink, Bove wrote: "please know that we have indeed dealt with the issue. We have had lots of conversations with all involved. We have decided not to use the book next year." Bove assured Hanink "that our aim in Student Affairs is to have our students grow and learn within the context of the mission of the University. Sometimes, the mark is missed."
But the next day, Hanink responded that "surely you didn't need 'lots of conversations' to withdraw the book. Suppose that LMU distributed a book on race relations recommending 'solutions' proposed by the Aryan Nation and the Nation of Islam. You wouldn't need lots of conversations to get back on track. Moreover, an apology would have issued.
"Which leads me to ask: was there any effort to meet with the RA's to correct the University's grave disservice to them?"
Bove did not respond to Hanink's last message. She also did not respond to the phone calls I made to her and an e-mail message with questions I sent her.
Will the university replace Sexual Etiquette 101 with a book more in line with Catholic teaching? In her February 2 message to Hanink, Bove addressed this. The assistant dean of health services, she said, "was seriously thinking about co-writing a similar book with a theology professor. However, that has been postponed due to [her] leave of absence for medical reasons."
I remains to be seen whether this book, if written, will be an improvement over Sexual Etiquette 101.